Sunday, April 6, 2008

Mulling the Playoffs: Satirical Newspaper Edition

Posted By on Sun, Apr 6, 2008 at 1:24 AM

by Alejandro de los Rios

The New Orleans Levee ("We Don't Hold Anything Back") published an incredible Letter to the Editor in the April issue regarding the Hornets by one Tyrone Shoelaces a.k.a. Baskteball Jones. The letter brings up something that I've been talking about with friends since I moved down here: that the Hornets have nothing to do with the city of New Orleans. You know, just like the Jazz have nothing to do with Utah.

"Now we’ve got the Hornets, which have nothing to do with New Orleans, and they keep welcoming us to the “Hive,” which has nothing to do with Hornets.

They are cheered on by the HoneyBees. Now, it must be said that any self-respecting hornet would sting to death any honey bee any day of the week and twice on Sundays.

The Hornets’ home colors are teal, which is wrong on multiple levels, let alone the fact that it’s not even the color hornets are."

I must say, I can't help but agree on almost all these points. The sad truth, professional sports teams rarely, if ever, make apologies for their names. The only instance I can remember was when the Washington Bullets changed their name to the Wizards, holding a contest to see what the new team name would be and even then the owner charged fans $1 for vote.

Being the superstitious city that this is, I think fans would be bound to the name Hornets, however irreverent, should the team bring home a title this year. But, let's say they don't, and fans had a chance to name the team. The first question is: "would you?" Assuming the answer is yes, the next obvious is question is: "what would you change it to?"

Well it would have to be something completely New Orleans. Saints and VooDoo are already taken, as is Jazz, the obvious choice. Allow me to make a few suggestions:

  • The Krewe (I'm so proud of that one I had to list it first)
  • The Zulu (Second favorite)
  • The Creoles (A stretch)
  • The Streetcars (everybody get on board!)
  • The Desire (Ooo, literary)
  • The Louies (Kingly)
  • The Bourbons (the ruling family during New Orleans founding)
  • The Jazz (Assuming New Orleans could somehow strip the name from Utah and then they'd have to settle on a name. The Salty Mormons, anyone?)
  • The Gators (unlikely, considering there's an SEC school with the same name)
  • The River Pirates (Kinda lame, but ties in with the city nicely)
  • The Crawfish (tasty)
  • The Nutrias (though the Zephyrs might have a problem with that)

Any suggestions?

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