I think its time we talked. I decided to write you a letter because I think it helps me keep track of my thoughts better than conversing in person. A lot of this is going to be hard for me to say but I think you need to hear it. Im not sure if you knew this, but I went to Seattle this weekend and had a layover in Atlanta on the way.
I didnt mean to betray you; I just think I need to be honest here and you deserve to know the truth. Its time you made some changes in your life. I love you but you need professional, state-administered help. When I was in the Atlanta airport I saw so many things that were new and wonderful and they made me believe that someday you might be capable of restoring your luster too.
I want you to know that you ARE special and you certainly have a magnetism about you, but right now its just not enough. I mean, when I got off the plane in Atlanta and had to pee really bad, I didnt even have to wait in line in the bathroom because it was so big!
Furthermore, the bathroom even had granite tiling on the floors and walls, and stainless steel stalls and fixtures! Imagine that! Imagine if you had automated paper towel and soap dispensers and your restrooms never smelled bad. You have so much potential, MSY, I just hope you can see that. Imagine how your productivity would soar if you looked good and felt better too.
Also, Atlanta only charged me $2 for a bottle of Vitamin Water, compared to your $3.50. Dont you feel bad about yourself when you do things like that? Atlanta even had an Au Bon Pain, AND Popeyes. You havent even gotten a Popeyes yet. Dont you ever get tired of that same old overpriced imitation New Orleans cuisine? I dont even want to think about the name of that place, it makes me so sick and so sad. Café du Monde might have cut it in your other relationships, but I expect more from you. I guess its too much to hope that youd ever get a McDonalds or even a TCBY. Im so tired of our only option being that dried fruits and nuts stand, it cuts me to the colon.
Ultimately, Id really like to see you get automated trash compactors and most certainly recycling. Its completely unacceptable for you to ignore such key issues like these, particularly in light of the global pressures our relationship is constantly subjected to.
MSY, I really do want the world for you. I want you to be a sparkling monument to the beauty and uniqueness of our city, a generous and welcoming invitation to all to participate in the cultural experiences you know New Orleans has to offer. If you would just let yourself open up to the possibilities ahead, the potential you have to make people feel comfortable, happy and satiated as they travel to and fro.
Deep down, I think you know that somethings got to give. Just admit it to yourself and allow yourself to begin the healing and restorative process of change. Look to the future, it has so much to offer.
And even though it hurts me to see you suffer, Im not going to give up on you. Ill be here by your side and Ill support you during this time of transition, because I love you. We all love you. Please take some time to think about these things and let me know when youre ready.
Proof this rebuttal before some douche starts proclaiming we don't know how to spell carnival!
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