Here's the redacted version. I am making none of this up:
Gail Collins: David, were about to embark on back-to-back conventions, so lets find something else to talk about besides the presidential race. Before the John Edwards affair recedes into history, should we discuss Lessons Learned?... By the way, Im just back from vacation in Ireland. I decided to splurge and brought you a euro.
David Brooks: Gail, youre back from Ireland, Im back from China. I dont know about you, but my first impression upon returning from abroad is usually a sense of humiliation. I flew through the magnificent airports at Beijing and Hong Kong to land in the dump that is Kennedy International in New York.
The airport is in shambles. There was no decent signage so it was hard to figure out what line to stand in, and the workers around the luggage carts and in the food stands were surly.
At least I had the John Edwards affair to divert me....
Gail Collins: David, the airport in Dublin isnt actually all that great, so I was spared the J.F.K. reentry trauma. I dont know why we cant make peoples first hour in the United States a little less gruesome. Youd think they could at least hire some cheerful people to sell hot dogs, or maybe hand out free water to the huddled masses waiting for their baggage. But then, J.F.K. is run by the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey, the same folks who recently admitted they werent going to be able to get a 9/11 memorial finished in time for the tenth anniversary.
Our topic, unfortunately, is not the national infrastructure but whatsisname isnt it funny how fast you can forget?....
And that was the point where I had to stop reading, because I was afraid I was going to start screaming, and once I started screaming I'd never be able to stop.