Photograph by Jonathan Bachman
Why hello, there. My name is Dr. Travis Von Phrenogelous. Yes, I understand that's a strange name for a Cajun zombie witch doctor but allow me to explain. My mother was married and then undeaded at Lafayette Cemetery No. 2 by an German zombie. My friends used to call me Cajun Hitler. They're all dead now. Like dead dead, not like zombie dead. It's OK, I never liked them much.
But I digress. This man here to my right is my associate, Dr. Iwana Eatyourbrains. I think he's Canadian. In any event, he thinks you have a beautiful skull. Was that inappropriate? Sorry. You know the old saying: Zombie Doctors never know when to shut up about your skull.
And that leads us to why you're here. You need your skull examined, don't you? What's that? You're here for a football game? Nonsense, let's get you to sit down and my associate will prep you for surgery. Sorry, did I say surgery, I mean we're going to scalp you and then eat your brains from the inside out. What's that? Surely you're not the type of person to eat brains from the outside in, are you? How silly. Come, feel my rope-like hair. Feel that? You could tow a barge with that hair. That's all from eating brains from the inside out. You think Dr. Eatyourbrains' hair was always purple? Nope. But eating brains from the inside out will occasionally do that to a person. Purple hair is magnificent.
I see you're getting uncomfortable. Well, you know the old saying: Zombie Doctors have the worst waiting room magazines. How about we get things under way? Now-wait, where has my associate gone? Oh dear, he always gets confused around crowds, he can never seem to decide whose brains he wants to eat first. Oh, there he is munching on a Jets' fans' medulla oblongata. Dr. Eatyourbrains must be dieting again.
Oh well, I guess I'll just have to do this myself.
/smashes beer bottle over your head, starts eating your delicious brain
Next on the course: Gregg Williams. I heard his brain is HUGE.
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