Among the frightening implications of the Gulf oil disaster including mass extinction of sea life, total destruction of livelihood in Gulf Coast communities, and um, methane-induced Apocalypse one has yet to be adequately discussed: what about America's beach culture? Won't giant tar balls washing ashore put a damper on things?
Also curious about that particular aspect of the oil disaster, New York Magazine's Vulture blog consulted Jersey Shore cast member/environmental scientist Mike The Situation Sorrentino for his opinion on the matter:
How do you think the oil spill is going to affect beach culture in America?
Wow, thats a good question. Very good question. Can we repeat that for a second? Let me hear that one again.
You want to take a deep breath?
Yeah, Ill take a breath. Let me hear that one again.
How is the oil spill going to affect beach culture in America?
You know what, obviously the oil spill is definitely going to affect beach culture in America for probably a number of years, I would surmise. It will probably affect a lot of kids, in not a good way.
Based on the few episodes of the show I've watched (OK, who are we kidding? I've seen most of them), "beach culture" encompasses boardwalks, selling T-shirts on boardwalks and senseless fights on boardwalks in which fake Chanel purses are used as weapons. I believe the only water cast members come in contact with is in the house hot tub. And although the "T" in "GTL" stands for "tanning," that takes place indoors and in human microwaves. So it seems that in the Jersey Shore world, there are no need for beaches, allaying any fears that the oil disaster would threaten this sacred "beach culture." It is irresponsible of Mr. Sorrentino to perpetuate such blatant alarmism.
Plus, as of press time, there have been no oil sightings on the beaches of Jersey Shore. One beach patron claimed to see a tar ball, but the object was later correctly identified as Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi.