I get a lot of random, useless press releases, often accompanied by photos. (Anyone want a picture of Jersey Shore star Snooki's promo-packed 23rd birthday party, where she posed with a mouthful of condoms? Even worse was the description: "Snooki’s parents joined the rest of the gang upstairs in the VIP area, where partygoers were passing out [Brand Name Redacted] Condoms and vibrating rings.")
Today's random, useless press release, however, will take some doing to top.
It had an innocuous subject line ("Pamper yourself or your mom with the comfort she deserves this Mother's Day!"), so I opened it, expecting word of a new day spa or hotel package.
Subject: Pamper yourself or your mom with the comfort she deserves this Mother's Day!
Date: April 5, 2011 2:27:44 PM CDT
To: Kevin Allman
Hi Kevin, Life moves too quickly. Help rejuvenate your mom with a day at the spa, indulge her with chocolates and flowers, help her relax and slow down from her fast-paced world full of deadlines, commitments and obligations. And help her be more comfortable with [Product Name Redacted], A Long Lasting Vaginal Moisturizer.
We all know how busy a mom’s life can be but this Mothers Day take time to educate your mom about the treatment options available for vaginal dryness. Nearly every woman will experience vaginal dryness sometime in her life, oftentimes making even daily activities unbearable ....
I love my mother, but this is not a topic either one of us has ever felt the need to broach. I mean, I wouldn't put it past Snooki, but ... just, no. I've never felt the need to give Mom antiperspirant or Activia as a present, so I sure as hell am not starting down this path.
How would it work, exactly? "Hey, Mom, you're always doing so much for other people that I'm concerned you're not attending to your own vaginal lubrication"? Or "I think it's great you're taking fish oil and calcium, but neither of those really help you relax and slow down from your fast-paced world full of deadlines, commitments and obligations, do they?"
So, Mom — if you're reading this: sorry. You can expect a card around the first week of May and we'll consider it good for another year. And if you want to talk to Courtney about, oh, anything, I'll be glad to give you her number.
GTFO, you senile bitch!
Jeez. Another corrupt piece of shit. Take a hike, hyphen!
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