So I guess the world of "collectible baby dolls" is big business. I only became aware of this fact when I came home Sunday morning to find a neighbor had left this insert from The Times-Picayune on my door, with the handwritten note "Scary Baby of the Day":
Thank you, "Ashton-Drake Galleries" — I will now have nightmares of being tormented by a thing with the head of Tim Tebow's parasitic twin and the body of a Shih Tsu puppy.
Really, NFL? Really? I mean, I know there's official Saints collectible coins and pink breast cancer awareness teddy bears and even Garrett Hartley-kicked sod samples (only $159.99!), but did no one in the organization look at the Creature from the Black and Gold Lagoon above and say, "You know, we have some standards when it comes to what we'll ask Saints fans to buy"?
But this, believe it or not, is just the tip of the horror iceberg that is the Ashton-Drake Galleries. Let's go under the jump to see what else they have to offer ...
Meet the "Collectible Little Umi Baby Orangutan Doll," part of Ashton-Drake's "So Truly Real®" collection. What makes Umi worth $139.99? Well, "her head and limbs are of collector-quality silicone" (none of that non-collector quality silicone here) and they throw in a pacifier ("FREE pacifier to keep Umi feeling loved and secure"). It's not every collectible orangutan baby doll that comes with a pacifier, you know.
Ashton-Drake isn't shy about bragging on this "Fully Sculpted 'Howdy Pardner' Cowboy Doll." "As Seen on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon," they boast (and wouldn't you just love to know what Fallon had to say about the Howdy Pardner?). Besides the facial expression, I think the most disturbing thing about this one is the choice of undergarment, which seems to be a cross between a jockstrap and a pair of ladies' scanties.
Hey, WAIT A MINUTE. I see what you're doing here, Ashton-Drake Galleries. You're promising us a baby whose heart belongs only to the Saints, and when our backs are turned, the baby starts rooting for the Pittsburgh Steelers. We feel so ... cheap.