Monday, November 14, 2011

Herman Cain's pizza party with Alan Richman

Posted By Google on Mon, Nov 14, 2011 at 12:38 PM

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Our ol' buddy Alan Richman, World's Greatest Food Critic and human nosebleed, held a a pizza party — nay, feast — with his GQ pals-of-his for fake presidential candidate Herman Cain.

Cain, former CEO of renowned mafia-inspired pizza franchise Godfather's Pizza ("A PIZZA YOU CAN'T REFUSE"), discusses his pizza fantasies and repeatedly refers to his noble quest for "the best" or "premium quality" ingredients — a la Godfather's pizza, which Cain clearly believes is the frontrunner in the pizza election for best pizza.

Alan Richman: Do you eat pizza as much as people say you eat pizza?

Herman Cain: No, because I'm very particular about the pizza that I eat. Godfather's is still a premium-quality product, and I cannot always find that. It's got to be as good as Godfather's or I won't eat it.

Richman, GQ's Chris Heath and senior editor Devin Gordon indulge Pizza Man at Washington D.C.'s Seventh Hill, where Cain is peppered with all pizza-related inquiries. Cain also spends his pizza banquet extolling his views on health care and sharing his anti-Islam sentiment, all the while heartily laughing in a wooded cabin overlooking a lake of fire, for Cain is a Man. The manliest of Men. Pizza Man invites you to grow a pair and put all the toppings in the world on your pizza to prove your strength and power as Man.

Chris Heath: What can you tell about a man by the type of pizza that he likes?

Herman Cain: [repeats the question aloud, then pauses for a long moment] The more toppings a man has on his pizza, I believe the more manly he is.

Chris Heath: Why is that?

Herman Cain: Because the more manly man is not afraid of abundance. [laughs]

Devin Gordon: Is that purely a meat question?

Herman Cain: A manly man don't want it piled high with vegetables! He would call that a sissy pizza.

Pizza Man not only is the founder of the modern-day pizza party — he points to his executiveship at Burger King, Pillsbury, as well as the Navy, and his education as a Computer Man. Clearly he doesn't want pizza to define him, he explains. Then a pizza arrives from the kitchen onto the table and he exclaims, "NOW THAT'S A MANLY-LOOKING PIZZA!!" (emphasis GQ's).

Cain has had a rough few weeks, or in pizza terms, his crust has seen better ovens. Aside from allegations of sexual harassment and public gaffes that can only be attributed to advanced terminal foot-in-mouth disease, our Emperor Pizza lost the endorsement of the American Mustache Institute, and is the subject of comedian Tim Heidecker's tribute album Cainthology.

As he left the GQ interview, Pizza Man implied Meet the Press should have provided him pizza, then he hopped into a gunmetal Hummer H3, loaded a pizza slice into the CD player and peeled out to Van Halen's "Panama" ("PIZZA MAN," he sang to the chorus).

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