From the director of Swamp Shark: Next year, Syfy, pioneer of cable-only intentional camp, will release Arachnoquake, its latest portmanteau-horror, starring Growing Pains' Tracey Gold (Carol Seaver!).
In the film, earthquakes unleash ancient giant spiders (albino spiders, even, because albinism is really scary, y'all!) on the streets of New Orleans.
Carol, with the help of Alan Thicke's mighty hands of justice and Kirk Cameron's pure God-fueled rage, will battle the arachnids — we hope.
Scene (again, we hope): The French Quarter is covered in spider limbs with only a few survivors searching the remains. Carol cradles Kirk Cameron's lifeless body, covered in thick wads of web silk. "Show me that smile!," she wails, tears filling her eyes. Alan Thicke, wearing a machine gun bandolier and covered in ash and blood, pulls her away. "Don't waste another minute on your crying," he says. "We're nowhere near the end. The best is yet to begin."
"You're right," she says, wiping her face. "As long as we got each other, we got the world spinning right in our hands — unlike these spiders, who only spin webs. Rain or shine, all the time, we got each other, sharing the laughter and love." /scene
Arachnoquake also casts Little Rascals' Bug Hall, and Edward Furlong, of Terminator 2: Judgment Day fame.
Swamp Shark, the Kristy Swanson-starring Syfy original, was the network's top-rated 2011... film, shot in our own Atchafalaya Basin. Next year, Syfy also will release Tasmania Devil, starring Danica Keller — or Winnie Cooper from The Wonder Years'.
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GTFO, you senile bitch!
Jeez. Another corrupt piece of shit. Take a hike, hyphen!