Saturday, April 6, 2013

Yelp reviews of Orleans Parish Prison

Posted By on Sat, Apr 6, 2013 at 3:29 PM

Oh, Yelp. Is there nothing you don't review?

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Details under the jump!

There are four reviews of the OPP on Yelp — all posted before That Video made the rounds this week, and all semi-serious to some degree.

This January review gave it two stars for drug availability, if nothing else:

This is a horrible place. Don't ever go here. It's a wonder how Sheriff Gusman, a Harvard graduate, could oversee an institution that has been condemned repeatedly by the Department of Justice. Im giving it two stars because illegal drugs are easier to get inside than out.

Here's a 2008 review by a guy from Dallas who managed to keep a sense of humor about the whole thing. Sorry, Guy From Dallas; sounds like your vacation was not the best:

Activities start from the very beginning. My favorite was, what they call, the body cavity search. Sounds quirky, I know. It takes a little more coordination than you might be used to for a group exercise, but hang in there, you'll get it. Don't stress out about terms like "bend over and spread your cheeks" or " lift your nut sack and cough." They just use those to validate your experience. Plus, the twenty other naked men around you are doing it. Don't be a party pooper.

And in 2010, this guy — like a proper Yelp-er — reviewed the food:

You do not want to go here as a prisoner. It is not a fun place to be. Don't commit crimes and you wont end up here. That being said, I hear the food is pretty good. I guess if you can get past the strip search, fear of rape and lack of freedom, it isn't such a bad place. On second thought, it is a bad place. Follow the laws, especially at Mardi Gras, and you wont end up here. Screw up and you will find out that OPP ain't no fun.

Who's looking up information about OPP on Yelp? This is a clue:

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