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11 12 02

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War by Viagra

By Andrei Codrescu

ABC World News Tonight with Peter Jennings is brought to you by Viagra. Top of the news is war with Iraq and Peter does look more firm than usual. We may have to fight in the streets of cities, says Peter, and then we see pictures of that video game where you go from alley to alley with night-scopes and you never know where they are coming at you from. Break for Viagra. Surf. On CNN, "War with Iraq" is featuring a new generation of stealth birds of prey capable of spotting a tan-colored camel in a buff sand dune. The CNN reporter, young and peachy-flush with the joy of flying in a spy plane with strapping young soldiers, is beaming her joy to earth: "At 23, the lieutenant is responsible for vital intelligence. She is confident." Down on earth, the sexy CNN anchor is also confident. She is also perky, subtly frisky, flirtatious. "I am jealous," she says. "I wish I was up there, too." Break for Viagra. Surf. On Fox, the all-war-all-the-time channel, the blonde anchor bursting with health and good humor announces a new potential enemy. Canada. Canadian voters are about to decriminalize marijuana. We might be next. With Mexico on one side and Canada on the other, there is the very real threat of second-hand smoke. We just about banned smoking anything in this country, she adds slightly annoyed with a hint of naughty. Next thing, people will take up cigarettes again. Break for Viagra. On MSNBC an aging but still sexy reporter has breaking news. He is standing in front of the gun store in Tacoma that may have sold the serial killers' gun. The store kept no records, a misdemeanor. He doesn't say it, but it's clear from his thoughtfully furrowed brow that if the owner was also going to be caught smoking marijuana, which is a felony, the news could be big. And what if he was an Iraqi with links with Al Qaeda? Wouldn't the news be really big then? Break for Viagra. Happiness is a warm gun. Surf back to Fox. A macho retired general talks war strategy, but what he is really saying (which appears in a cartoon balloon over his head) is this: "Pot makes you soft and feminine, Viagra makes you hard and tough. Guns, in combination with Viagra, make you American. Pot in combination with tolerance makes you Canadian." Then the chief U.N. arms inspector, Mr. Blix, comes up flanked by Bush. Break for Viagra. In 1921, the surrealist artist Man Ray writes from New York to Dada poet Tristan Tzara in Zurich, "Dear Tzara, Dada can't live in New York. All New York is Dada." Flash forward to evening news, 2002. A molesting priest kneels on a naked boy with cartoon balloon over his head: "Dear God, Dada lives everywhere. Thank you, Peter. Thank you, Viagra. Thank you, Dada." He lights a joint with a gun.