Thus far in its 2004-05 season, the LOUISIANA PHILHARMONIC ORCHESTRA (LPO) has filled the big shoes of departed conductor and musical director Klauspeter Seibel by importing world-class and global talent to conduct its concerts. This Thursday and Saturday evening, New Zealand resident Marc Taddei conducts the LPO along with featured artist Horacio Gutierrez (pictured), a renowned Cuban-born piano virtuoso. Both concerts will be held at the Orpheum Theatre (123 University Place, 523-6530). An American born in New Jersey, Taddei currently serves as music director for the Christchurch Symphony in New Zealand. He is also associate conductor for the Auckland Philharmonia and music director for both the Twentieth Century Classics Ensemble and the Wellington Youth Orchestra. Gutierrez first took the stage with the Havana Symphony at age 11 and made his professional debut with the Los Angeles Philharmonic in 1970. Three appearances on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson introduced his intricate piano playing to many Americans, and his popularity has continued through years of national and international touring, plus performances at famed venues such as Carnegie Hall and the Lincoln Center. Both Taddei and Gutierrez are known for supporting the work of contemporary composers, but this week's concerts will combine that passion with the play of traditional classics in a diverse program. They begin with the overture from Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Johan Gottleib Stephanie's comic musical The Impresario. The second piece brings the New Orleans premiere of Robert Aldridge's Leda and the Swan, a 2003 work co-commissioned by the LPO along with the New Jersey, Oregon and Nashville symphonies. Another contemporary work follows with Paul Hindesmith's Symphonic Metamorphosis of Themes by Carl Maria von Weber, written in 1943 while Hindesmith was in exile from Nazi Germany and on the Yale University faculty. The night's featured piece is Johannes Brahms' Piano Concerto No. 1. Brahms' concerto from 1859 is famous for its groundbreaking composition gearing the piece toward the featured instrument -- in this case, Gutierrez's piano. Tickets start at $13, and are available by calling 523-6530 or visiting www.lpomusic.com. Showtimes are 7:30 p.m. Thursday and 8 p.m. Saturday. -- Frank Etheridge

Henry Griffin's Tortured by Joy world premiere v One Eyed Jacks, 615 Toulouse St., 569-8361 When he was told four years ago that Henry Griffin had shaved off his Sideshow Bob-style red-headed ¹do, director Steven Soderbergh cocked his head like a puppy: ³Isn¹t that like Samson getting a haircut?² Griffin has enjoyed a circuitous journey since, moving from Hollywood (where he cleaned up such scripts as Mouse Hunt and enjoyed a cameo at the beginning of The Way of the Gun) to New York City and back home to New Orleans -- and the hair¹s growing back. Here, he¹s busy with several irons in his creative fire, including this hilarious short film, Tortured by Joy, about a quirky punk rock band. The film, narrated by the original Lounge Lizard (and Down by Law star) himself, John Lurie, and featuring music by Minor Threat, oozes the kind of hipster cool that Griffin used in another great work, Mutiny. Jay Holland, the film¹s lead, will follow with a performance by his band, Narcissy, with a photo exhibit by Libby Novinger (whose work inspired the film) on display. Welcome back, Red. Free admission. -- Simmons

Yellow Umbrella Tour: K's Choice, Skills of Ortega, Jen Foster 10 p.m. Tuesday, Oct. 12 The Howlin' Wolf, 828 S. Peters St., 522-WOLF By the 1990s, rock bands from outside the traditional breeding grounds of the United States and Great Britain had completely assimilated the art of pop songwriting in English. The Belgian band K¹s Choice is a perfect example of this process. Led by the sister-and-brother songwriting team of Sarah and Gert Bettens, K¹s Choice forged an impressively personal body of songs on the strength of close vocal harmonies, inventive melodic settings and terse, disciplined arrangements. Several songs nearly brought the group stardom, especially the 1996 hit ³Not an Addict.² Others have helped build the band¹s cult following, including the anthemic, U2-like ³Busy² and ³Virgin State of Mind,² which appeared on an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The band is headlining the Yellow Umbrellas tour, put together by popSmear.org, a Boston-based organization fighting cervical cancer. The organization¹s founder, Christine Baze (herself a cervical cancer survivor), leads support band, Skills of Ortega. $12 cover. -- John Swenson

United We Funk All-Stars: Bar-Kays, Dazz Band, Midnight Star 9 p.m. Friday, Oct. 15 Municipal Auditorium, Armstrong Park, 522-5555 You could be forgiven for thinking someone had decided to toss off a nostalgic slice of the Essence Music Festival after a peek at the troika of acts booked to perform at the United We Funk All-Stars concert, which will turn the Municipal Auditorium into a huge dance floor on Friday. Midnight Star, the Dazz Band and the Bar-Kays -- each of whom enjoyed its measure of success during the heady funk days of the 1970s and early ¹80s -- will perform at this celebration, with a portion of the proceeds donated to hurricane disaster-relief organizations in Florida and Alabama. Midnight Star, with such hits as ³No Parking on the Dance Floor,² epitomized the electric-funk sounds of the 1980s, while the Dazz Band provided a bridge from the 1970s to the ¹80s, making ³danceable jazz² with hits including the Grammy winner ³Let it Whip.² The Bar-Kays set the tone, putting the funk in Stax Records with ³Soul Finger,² backing up Otis Redding, then making a mark with classics like the furious ³Holy Ghost.² Good luck finding the original members of these groups onstage. Tickets $35-$40. -- Simmons

Leonard Shlain booksigning 4 p.m. Wednesday, Oct. 13 Beaucoup Books, 5414 Magazine St., 587-8330 John Gray¹s mega-selling Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus placed what many observed as a pop-psychology spin on the nebulousness that is the business of love and relationships between men and women. Leonard Shlain¹s Sex, Time and Power: How Women¹s Sexuality Shaped Human Evolution explores similar themes, but delves deeper, tracing humanity¹s biological and societal evolutions to deliver some understanding of where we stand today. Praised for his narrative (The New York Times Book Review called Shlain ³a fascinating storyteller) and his expert navigation of unexplored ideas (the book is dubbed ³a visionary synthesis² by The Los Angeles Times), Shlain ruminates on topics such as the purpose of the G-spot, the reasons we created religion, how homosexuality evolved, and how misogynistic and patriarchal societies developed. Shlain¹s here to explain his work and sign his book Wednesday night. -- Etheridge

Fresh Arts Festival 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. Saturday-Sunday, Oct. 15-16 700 block of St. Joseph St., 523-1465 Five years ago, the Arts Council of New Orleans sought to capitalize on the festive air of October in New Orleans in creating the Fresh Arts Festival. Now its own annual highlight, the two-day event spotlights the art and crafts of artists from around the nation and also creates a fun, family-friendly atmosphere in the Warehouse Arts District. At Fresh Arts, held on the block of St. Joseph Street between St. Charles Avenue and Carondelet Street, fest-goers can stroll through booths of artists chosen by a jury of local arts patrons, with diverse mediums such as paintings, glasswork, photography, ceramics, jewelry, sculpture, furniture, metal and woodwork represented. A jury judges the artwork on display, with $2,500 awarded to the winner. Artists hold demonstrations, and for children there are hands-on activities, plus the Ochsner for Children Art Zone. Both days feature live music, catered local cuisine and drinks. Free admission. -- Etheridge

Best Bartender of New Orleans Contest 5 p.m. to 9 p.m. Wednesday, Oct. 13 Lafayette Square, 600 St. Charles Ave., 309-8320 An election to crown the best bartender in a boozy, bar-hopping town such as New Orleans -- where the cocktail serves as the social glue and certain clubs hang dark drapes over the windows at dawn -- figures to pack as much intrigue in certain quarters as any political election. On Wednesday evening, the magnolia and live oak trees of Lafayette Square will cast shadows over the three finalists in a contest conducted thus far through ballots in Where Y¹at magazine. The public will select a winner from the finalists, who figure to be the cream of the crop in shaking, mixing, looking hot and perfecting the art of conversation. With event sponsorship by SKYY Vodka, the finalists will mix cocktails using SKYY and partygoers will cast their ballots after sampling all three. A DJ spins music to make the party move, and KKND 106.7 ³The End² DJ Vydra announces the winner. Admission is $5. -- Etheridge

Mary McBride 10 p.m. Monday, Oct. 18 The Circle Bar, 1032 St. Charles Ave., 588-2616 Mary McBride keeps good company. The one-time Louisianian now based in Brooklyn co-wrote songs with former Georgia Satellite Dan Baird and Steve Wynn for her second album, By Any Other Name (Reality). In Wynn¹s case, she started the collaboration the new-fangled way: she emailed him. One of the results, ³Weathervane,² typifies McBride¹s charm as the song employs rural imagery to bring a down-home sensibility to songs about life in the city. The album, produced in Springfield, Mo., with Lou Whitney of the Morells, is roots rock for city dwellers. Live, McBride¹s got the voice and presence of a woman with red-blooded passions, whether she¹s singing about the love she wants in ³I Got Everything² or a spiritual conundrum in ³Bottle & a Bible.² With Baird on guitar to add a healthy dose of Southern boogie to everything, she can transform any room into a roadhouse. $5 admission. -- Rawls

Fred LeBlanc and Kevin Griffin 7 p.m. Thursday, Oct. 14 Cajun Queen Riverboat, Spanish Plaza, 891-7080 Neither Cowboy Mouth nor Better Than Ezra has ever been critics¹ faves, but it¹s a mistake to underestimate either band. The size and dedication of the crowds drawn by them explicitly shows their ability to connect, and a big part of that is the songwriting of frontmen Fred LeBlanc and Kevin Griffin, respectively. Both bands have just released live albums -- Cowboy Mouth¹s Live at the Zoo, recorded at Chicago¹s Lincoln Park Zoo, and BTE¹s Live at the House of Blues New Orleans -- that feature them at their broadest, playing to large crowds, but on the Cajun Queen, LeBlanc and Griffin are playing an intimate, acoustic show. In addition to performing songs from throughout their careers, they¹re talking about the songs and answering fans¹ questions. This show isn¹t quite a return to the days of the President as a live music venue on the water, but it¹s unquestionably a cool place to hear music. Tickets $30. -- Alex Rawls

Rolland Golden: It's All About the South Through October Crescent Gallery, 628 Toulouse St., 525-5255 "Cornbread and turnip greens/ Ham hocks and butter beans / Mardi Gras down in New Orleans/ And that's what I like about the South ... ." So goes the old song. Inveterate New Orleans painter Rolland Golden's South is just as colorful, but the atmosphere is a little different. Drawn to stark, atmospheric essences in oil and watercolor, Golden's views of the Southern landscape over the course of his 47-year career can sometimes suggest a Dixie Andrew Wyeth, with rural shacks, barns, cows and sunsets set in graphic, crystalline relief. Realistic and illustrational in approach, Golden freeze-dries most of the haze and clutter out of his settings to reveal the essentials that make up the unique sense of place in all the places he paints. Born in New Orleans in 1931, and now residing in Folsom, Golden turns 73 next month. -- D. Eric Bookhardt

Twinemen 9 p.m. Thursday, Oct. 14 House of Blues, 225 Decatur St., 529-BLUE When Morphine frontman Mark Sandman¹s heart stopped onstage in Italy in 1999, it brought to a tragic end the career of one of the great bands in the history of this fat nation. Morphine¹s low rock and unorthodox instrumentation had a dose of film noir, surreal lyrics, and one of the sexiest sounds to come from a trio. Twinemen¹s recently released second album, Sideshow (Hi-N-Dry), features Morphine¹s drummer Billy Conway and saxophonist Dana Colley with vocalist Laurie Sargent, and while it maintains the low rumble of Colley¹s baritone sax, the music is more moody. Sargent¹s vocals hint at mysteries, and she brings a bit of a hippie vibe to the recordings, but the groove associated with Morphine is still in place, courtesy of the creative sounds of Conway¹s drumming. Like many of his New Orleans counterparts, Conway can get different tones from one drum, and the music remains as sexy as ever. Tickets $10. -- David Kunian

Mouse on Mars, with Junior Boys and Ratatat 10 p.m. Thursday, Oct. 14 TwiRoPa Mills, 1544 Tchoupitoulas St., 232-9503 After crafting electronic songs for roughly 10 years, Germany-based Mouse on Mars has finally decided to incorporate two features that on previous albums the band largely ignored: beats and vocals. Funny that it should take a decade for a group to decide that what its music really needs is a beat and possibly some singing, but then again, Mouse on Mars was never exactly the raver¹s electronic group. Dance and pop sensibilities have always played second banana to cascading bleeps and blips on the band¹s albums. On the new album, Radical Connector (Thrill Jockey), though dance elements are more prominent, the slightly slow tempo and general softness assure that Mouse on Mars isn¹t dreaming of glow sticks quite yet. Opening is Junior Boys, whose Last Exit (Kin) has garnered a lot of online buzz for its merging of indie electronica with an ¹80s, New Wave sensibility. Also on the bill is New York instrumentalist group Ratatat, which plays guitars, keyboards and more over hip-hop beats and utilizes the repetitiveness to make slow-building post-rock songs. Tickets $12. -- Rob Bryant

Soldiers Pay 6 p.m. Tuesday-Wednesday, Oct. 12-13 Contemporary Arts Center, 900 Camp St., 528-3800 Here¹s hoping that David O. Russell benefits from major-studio rejection as much as fellow director Michael Moore. Earlier in the year, Disney decided not to distribute Moore¹s documentary Fahrenheit 9/11 -- a corporate decision about as wise as New Coke. Recently, Russell fell under the same pre-election tension when Warner Brothers decided that his 35-minute documentary on the Iraq invasion, Soldiers Pay (co-directed with Tricia Regan and Juan Carlos Zalvidar), was inappropriate as a companion special feature for the studio¹s DVD release of Russell¹s 1999 film, Three Kings (about the first Iraq war). So Warner Bros. turned the film and the rights back over to Russell. Fortunately, the fine folks at the New Orleans Film Festival (NOFF) scooped it up and will show it on consecutive nights in the middle of the festival week, which concludes Thursday. (Visit www.neworleansfilmfest.com for the complete schedule.) Free admission. -- David Lee Simmons