Vitter also is frantically ducking the press, to the point of public endangerment. (The video of him and an aide backing into a stop sign in Gonzales is priceless. See it at www.youtube.com/watch?v=88l3H0QyoZI.)
As Palfrey's trial unfolds, the media no doubt will be stalking poor Vitter in ever-increasing numbers and to ever-more-intrusive extents, endangering God knows how many pedestrians each time Sen. Poopy-Pants tries to run and hide.
So, in the interest of public safety, I dispatched my best, ahem, undercover operative to secure a transcript of Vitter's last known phone call to Palfrey's escort service, Pamela Martin & Associates. Here it is:
DV: Hello. This is, um, Looziana Jones.
PMA: Oh, hello, congressman! We've been hoping to hear back from you. Was everything okay last time?
DV: Oh yes. It was, uh, a life-changing experience.
PMA: Now nice. So, what's your pleasure tonight?
DV: I was thinking of, you know, the usual.
PMA: Another evening of 'very serious sin" " oh, congressman, you do go on.
DV: Well, I guess I am a creature of habit. Speaking of which, can I get the same 'escort" I had last time?
PMA: Let's see I think that was Amber! Yes, she's available tonight. You liked her, huh?
DV: Yes. But I have to ask " is Amber her real name?
PMA: Honey, what do you think? Is Looziana Jones your real name?
DV: Well, you see, I have this this problem if her real name is Wendy.
PMA: Listen, sweet cheeks. If you pay enough, we'll call her Hillary Clinton!
DV: Arghh! What are you trying to do " ruin the moment before it arrives?
DV: I just need to know, because, well, you know, I'm a family kinda guy and, well, I wouldn't want any conflicts about this because, um, I just
PMA: No problem, honey. Her name won't be Wendy.
DV: Oh, thank God! I mean, she was just so nice, you know?
PMA: Yeah, she says you were a real gentleman.
DV: Really? Did she say that? Did she like me?
PMA: Sure. And for an extra $50 she'll tell all her friends what a big man you are.
DV: Yikes! I can't have her talking about me! Maybe this is a bad idea! Maybe I should just watch late-night HBO!
PMA: Oh, sweetie, you don't have to worry. You know that discretion " and very serious sin " is our specialty.
DV: Yes, because, you know, I'm a very important and powerful person, and some very bad people would love to destroy me and prevent me from becoming, you know, the really big man around here.
PMA: Oh, don't worry, Mister Future President. Your secrets are safe with us!
DV: Great! How soon can Amber be here? I feel a crisis in 'national affairs" coming on!
PMA: She'll be right over. You know our motto: Affairs of state must take precedent over the affairs of state.*
DV: Now you're talking.
* With apologies to Gov. William J. LePetomane