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Homefront Diary 

March 28, 7 a.m.: Got email from Joe asking if I wanted to make a little more money. How did Joe know. I wrote to him and he sent immediately list of 1,000 phone numbers to call. I started right away. Paid $65.40 for list.

March 28, 9 a.m.: The phone calls rattled my nerves, but happily got email offering Anti-Depressants, Phentermine, Xenical at low-cost. Ordered them FedEx, $346.45. They should arrive this afternoon. Continued phone calls.

March 28, 11 a.m.: Still worried about money, especially since numbers I call are all disconnected. Luckily, offer to refinance house came in the email, very good deal. Transaction concluded on Internet. Closing costs: $2,456.

March 28, 12:30 p.m.: Made pasta for lunch, but made a mess draining. In the nick of time came email offer for "Pasta Pro, the spill proof way to cook, drain, and serve perfect pasta in just one saucepan!!!" Only $14.95 + $22.50 shipping, should be here by lunch tomorrow.

March 28: 2 p.m.: Tired of making phone calls, I thought about this chick I saw at the Exxon when I was pumping gas. Just in time received email notice asking if I wanted larger, thicker penis. Ordered the medicine, $88.30. By tomorrow afternoon I should have larger, thicker penis, then go back to Exxon to top off gas.

March 28, 3 p.m.: Made more phone calls to disconnected numbers. Thought about Exxon chick, then about Exxon and felt guilty about the War. Incredibly, a petition came in the email asking me to sign to the effect that "I stand for Peace and Justice." Signed it, felt immediately better, and decided to watch more War on TV. Incidentally, there was an email offer for Digital Cable with Pay-Per-View, Adult Channels, Special Music Concerts, and two new News Channels. Ordered the service, $123/month.

March 28, 4 p.m.: Totally frustrated with telephone job. Decided to watch the adult channel I already have. Couldn't get erection. Looked at email and was offered Viagra at unbelievably low prices. Ordered box of 50, FedEx, $420.

March 28, 6 p.m.: Felt very inadequate about phone skills, must find better job. I have ceased being surprised by email, so I was happy when offer of college diplomas came. I can have "Bachelors, Masters, MBA and doctorate in the field of my choice, no required tests, classes, books, or interviews." Ordered an MBA and PhD in Physics. Cheered up considerably.

March 28, 8 p.m.: Totally angry at phone. Nobody home. Thought about going out for dinner, but lost appetite reading email. Halliburton company dealing with our enemies Iran, Syria, Axis of Evil. Signed petition and watched adult channel on she-males. Predictably, next email helped. It asked if I wanted larger breasts. I don't have any, so ordered complete program and medicine, FedEx, $2,389, cheap considering.

March 29, 7 a.m.-2 p.m.: Credit card company collection agency called. Picked up phone with new large penis. Exxon girl played with my breasts, we took anti-depressants, watched adult TV in bed, then some War. Used Pasta Pro for lunch, more Viagra. Got up to answer door several times for FedEx, scaring delivery men with new look. Can't wait to get to computer, but Exxon girl keeps asking for money.

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