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The AOL Family 

The ugliest meanest mugs you'll ever see I see every time I get online. The opening scream, oops! I mean "screen," for America Online features close-ups of murderers, kidnappers, dictators and terrorists. There is a new one every day, sometimes just one, gawking with swollen orbs right into yours, sometimes there are two and three hanging in a cluster of grapes of evil. Why are they there, mommy? To better give your sweet morning sleepiness that jolt of adrenaline-horror you need to make it in that brutal light of school, honey. Now just ignore them and go on and erase all those emails you erase every morning, about enlarging your breasts which haven't come in yet, increasing the size of the penis you don't have, watching sex with animals live, gawd, it's a good thing cats can't read, Pook would be mortified, and then read the two real emails from those mysterious friends of yours, I sure hope they are who they say they are, brush your teeth and give daddy his turn at the computer, here comes the school bus.

I agree with some of that, mommy, says daddy, but there is something educational about those ugly mugs. Look here. Under the bug-eyed mugs of Osama, Saddam and Kim Il Jong, it says: "Who do you Fear Most? Vote Here." See, you can vote and not only can you see if you fear the most the one most people fear, but you get to exercise your vote and that's democracy. Let's face it, this is all the voting a lot of people are going to do. You won't catch them voting at the polls in elections, that involves going out of the house and maybe shaving, but they'll gladly vote here for the creepiest mug. Makes them feel good to flex that voting muscle. Plus, it's not all ugly mugs, look here, there is a poll on "When do you think the war is going to start?" This is going to make you feel that you're a serious person who knows such things and thinks about the best dates. And some of these solicitations, like this one about the wife of the Arab sheik who needs to hide $16 million in your checking account while you help her to escape her husband, are pretty funny.

Sure, dear, and some of these creepy mugs are actually kinda handsome. What's Sweet Cakes doing? That's not the bus. Why is she getting in the car with that punk? He's too old for her, but he's cute. Looks just like Malvo.

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