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Friday, July 15, 2011

Britney Spears: a retrospective

Posted By on Fri, Jul 15, 2011 at 4:13 PM

Like many other modern pop stars, Britney Spears is a mere puppet performing songs created and sung by a team of robots.

Of course, not too soon after the Kentwood, La. native graced The Box with her proto-Glee clip for "... Baby One More Time," Spears started to develop a reputation for lip-syncing during live performances and not being very intelligent about her music. But back then, it didn't matter. She was cute. She was iconic. (Raise your hand if you also donned pink pom-pom hair bands, a midriff-baring blouse and hiked-up schoolgirl skirt for Halloween in the new millenium.) And that girl could dance!

I believe this was after dropping the "I'm saving sex for marriage" thing:

Then came her Academy Award MTV Movie Award-winning turn in the cerebral road drama, Crossroads.

And then there was "Toxic," the one Britney Spears song everyone allows him or herself to openly like.

Then poor Britney's life became clouded by a fugue of public embarrassments. The Vegas wedding. The shaved-head incident. Kevin Federline. Going barefoot at a gas station bathroom. A barrage of unflattering up-skirt paparazzi shots (which you can Google for yourself).

Spears seemed to get things at least somewhat back on track with 2007's Blackout, and ever since then she's released perfectly OK music. Nothing too interesting, but certainly no barefoot-in-a-public-bathroom-level failures. She sang a catchy song about threesomes, which is inexplicably a popular choice among strip mall dance troupes marching in Metairie parades:

My problem with current Britney is she seems to not even be able to muster the energy to pretend like she cares. She has this creepy, lobotomized quality about her in her interviews, and her stage performances — the area in which she used to excel — are consistently lackluster. I guess that's when you drop out of high school at age 16 and eventually procreate with this guy.

In this performance at the 2007 MTV Video Music Awards, she is basically a sentient pile of hair extensions:

And more recently (Britney starts her lip syncing and sad gyrating at the 2:49 mark):

For the sake of those who spent an entire month's rent for close-up seats at tonight's concert, let's hope the love of her home state fills Britney with a newfound electricity, causing memories of The Mickey Mouse Club, making out with Madonna and being Justin Timberlake's girlfriend to course through her, and she performs "Slave 4 U" like it's 2001.

But most likely, she'll just move her mouth and dance around a little bit while things explode in the background. At least Nicki Minaj is opening.

The show is 7 p.m. at the New Orleans Arena. Nicki Minaj, Nervo & Jessie and the Toy Boys open. Tickets are one million dollars.

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