Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Vodka-soaked tampons are the new thing your kids are hiding from you

Posted By on Tue, Nov 15, 2011 at 4:15 PM

The panic set in earlier this month, thanks to the whistleblowers at Phoenix CBS affiliate KPHO-TV. Reporter Elizabeth Erwin says, "If you're a parent, you really need to hear this." Erwin broke the story by going straight to the source: a cop, who patrols the hallways of local high schools and shares what's all the rage with young people who talk to cops about getting drunk, apparently.

He's heard first hand how kids are getting tipsy.

"What we're hearing about is teenagers utilizing tampons, soak them in vodka first before using them," Thomas said.

The world is now Footloose, except with bath salts, fake weed and now vodka tampons instead of dancing, and rational human beings instead of prudish farmers. The kids just want to dance! get really, stupidly high on the worst things on the planet.

One tampon can hold a shot's worth of booze, absorbed directly into tissue. And it's not just for lady teens! Thomas also says guys are beer bonging booze, rectally — and calling it "butt chugging." Butt chugging. If you and your bros see beer bong paraphernalia lying around, speak up! Make sure it's used properly — for funneling absurd quantities of Miller Lite down their throat, not into their ass. Remember, If you see something, say something.

Phoenix PD's advice: "Stop being your kid's friend and be their parent first." Yeah, mom and dad. How many times do I have to tell you I can go shopping on my own GOD IT'S NOT FAIR. Just make sure to alert authorities if your daughters are buying boxes of super plus or extra absorbancy.

Below, Stephen Colbert weighs in on the youth movement to get drunk stupidly:

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