Robert James Ritchie in happier times.
Update: A previous version of this story indicated a bunch of guys claiming to be Lynyrd Skynyrd would be playing the festival in Gonzales. However, a bunch of guys claiming to be Lynyrd Skynyrd are not on the schedule. We regret the error.
Wealthy country club kid turned off brand Vanilla Ice Robert James “Kid Rock” Ritchie is kicking off his “Rock The Country” alt-right music festival in Gonzales next month, featuring a music and activity lineup sure to tickle the fancy of even the most discerning rich guy “working-class American” cosplayer.
Ritchie, the scion of a wealthy car dealer, grew up in the hard scrambled environment of “Apple Crest Farm,” his father’s palatial Michigan estate. In 2016 the Detroit Free Press described Ritchie’s “ancestral seat” as a “5,628-square-foot house (that has a 1,811-square-foot lower level) with indoor Jacuzzi room and a giant fireplace, as well as a large guest house, two garages that accommodate a total of five cars, and the apple orchard where [Ritchie] has told biographers he once picked the red fruit.”
Since first coming to national prominence as a “rapper” in the ’90s, Ritchie has become an alt-right music star under his Kid Rock persona.
The April 5-6 festival will also feature the musical stylings of Jason Aldean, whom you might remember as the white man who once dressed up in Black face as local, legitimate music icon Lil Wayne. If that doesn’t set off any dog whistles for you, you may recall Aldean’s video for his “hit” vigilante ditty “Try That in a Small Town,” which features loads of racist imagery.
Also on stage will be Hank Williams Jr., who once compared Barack Obama to Hitler as part of a bizarre metaphor that seemed to imply the former president was trying to exterminate white people. Uncle Kracker will also perform.
A “huge surprise guest” is also expected to play just before Ritchie. And while there’s no word on who that might be, it could end up being anyone from J.K. Rowling to Ted Nugent.
Soft pretzel vibez.
The first day of the two-day event will have a “Party in the USA” theme and attendees are encouraged to wear red, white and blue outfits. Day two is, according to a press release, dedicated to the “rustic charm” of “Duck Calls and Overalls.” Festival goers are asked to “wear their finest camo, vibrant orange, and overalls, whether they're seasoned hunters or lovers of country fashion.”
As for other activities, the festival will also include “a glamorous permanent jewelry bar, a charming cowboy hat booth, and a trucker hat booth for those seeking personalized flair.”
Remaining general admission tickets start at $209.99, while VIP tickets are $399.99. For those with RVs, you can reserve spots at the festival grounds for $599.99 — though if you want electricity that’ll cost you $999.99.
However, attendees won’t be allowed to bring “guns, knives or weapons of any kind,” trampolines or “bad attitudes,” which seems pretty un-American.
